A four-year-old Asian elephant who became addicted to heroin has completed a 3-year detox program and is headed back to his hometown of Kunming in south China. Xiguang, the elephant’s street name, became hooked back in March, 2005 when illegal animal smugglers fed the elephant a steady diet of smack-laced bananas. When Chinese police busted the animal trade ring three months later, they discovered that Xiguang the Elephant was suffering from classic heroin withdrawal symptoms: shaking, watery eyes, jitterness. Basically, Xiguang the Elephant was like half Babar, half Ozzy. According to Xinhua, veterinarians gave Xiguang methadone treatments at five times the normal human doses. While Xiguang will be living the clean life in Yunnan Wild Animal Park in southwest China, he should really consider making a move to Alphabet City in lower Manhattan, where from what I understand, many former junk addicts still reside. Roger from Rent told Flumesday that “11th and B would provide a warm sober-living environment for Xiguang.” He then threw his fist in the air and asked, “How we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay last year’s rent?”

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