Of all the Thanksgiving stories in the news today– the historic accounts, the celebrations throughout the world– only one article aroused my senses. Brian Alexander wrote a story for MSNBC about pilgrim sex. Yep, the original religious right engaged in some pretty filthy, sinful sex. Among the men on men, men on women and any other name for a Craigslist classified section, there was one tale of a young Pilgrim farm boy having his way with some of the livestock. As leader of Plymouth colony William Bradford wrote, “He was this year detected of buggery, and indicted for the same, with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves and a turkey … He was first discovered by one that accidentally saw his lewd practice towards the mare.” A turkey! Think about that today when you’re eating the stuffing. Basically, while we are taught to believe that the Pilgrims lived by the strictest of Christian law, their society was very similar to modern-day America. They had premarital sex, extra-marital affairs, children out of wedlock, and they alienated homosexuals. On this Thanksgiving, we Americans should all remember how the Pilgrims helped shape our nation’s sexuality.
•MSNBC: How The Pilgrims Shaped Our Sex Lives
Most people I know hate this guy. They think he is an attention-starved, uninteresting sham. I like David Blaine. He is the modern day Houdini and Evil Knieval rolled into one. He’s the only guy out there testing the limits of humankind. I loved the living in a glass box over London. I loved the standing on the pedestal in New York. I even loved the underwater one last spring. But David Blaine’s newest stunt is just kind of dumb. On Tuesday, Blaine shackled himself to a gyroscope and was hoisted 40 feet into the air above Manhattan’s Times Square. He will spin around for two days and then leave himself 16 hours to escape from the shackles. If he succeeds, 100 children selected by the Salvation Army will get a $500 shopping spree at Target. Such bullshit. A) the breaking out of shackles routine is tired. And B) there is no way in hell Blaine or Target would allow the stunt to fail with 100 underprivileged children on the line. Like, is there a chance Blaine won’t escape and they show a bunch of poor kids crying on TV? Of course not. The corporate aspect of this event has stripped any and all suspense from the stunt. It would have been brave to incorporate the poor kids when he had to hold his breath underwater for 9 minutes, something no other human has done before. That would have been dramatic. And call me cold-hearted, but I hope he fails.
President Bush’s daughter Barbara had her purse and cell phone stolen Sunday, the first night of a two-week trip to Argentina. The story was made public Tuesday. La Nacion, an Argentina newspaper reported that two thieves approached the first-born Bush daughter and snatched her purse from under a table. Barbara, not to be confused with the President’s mother, was dining at a restaurant in the artsy Buenos Aires region of San Telmo. As any president’s daughter, Babs had her two secret service agents with her during the purse-snatching, however according to La Nacion, the agents stood at a distance and did not catch the heist. Barbara’s cell phone was inside of her purse and there is no word as to whether she has yet sent one of those mass emails saying “Hey guys, I’m such an idiot, I lost my phone, send me your numbers.” I have two thoughts regarding this incident. The first is how inept these secret service agents are. If two thieves were able to get so close to the president’s daughter to steal her purse, surely they were close enough to stab her, bitch-slap her or even grab her titty. Moreover, ABC news reported that during the same trip, one of Barbara’s bodyguards got beaten like a bitch outside a Buenos Aires nightclub. Who are these clowns? Lastly, if I were a Bush kid, I would not travel outside of Texas. You’re just asking for trouble.
It’s not easy being a lesbian in China. Not that I would have any idea. But it must not be because Wednesday it was announced that this weekend, Shanghai’s first lesbian helpline will begin to take calls. While Shanghai already has a gay hotline, this new “lesb-a-line” invites questions, issues and tips specific to gay women in China. The current gay hotline is staffed by men and is almost exclusively used by men. Now, from 2 to 4 on Saturday afternoons, 10 certified female lesbian helpers will field calls from lesbians who need help. Rager Shen, a volunteer with the group funding the line said, “Lesbians would feel uncomfortable talking with men about their private issues, so we just wanted to have a try at setting up a fixed period of time exclusively for women.” Fair enough. According to an AP article Wednesday, in China, the lesbian community is paid much less attention than their male counterparts largely because lesbians are not a high-risk population for AIDS the way gay men are. But as Shen points out to the AP, “They (lesbians) do have a lot of psychological problems.” Starting Saturday, Chinese lesbians, or as they are called in Mandarin, “lalas”, will finally have an outlet to deal with these problems. And if you’re thinking to yourself it is presumptuous to assume that lesbians need help, I can’t say I disagree. And if you’re also thinking, what type of help would lesbians need, it’s quite simple. Say there’s a young, perky Chinese lesbian who is 25 years old. Scratch that, 19 years old. She’s got long silky black hair, a flawless face and a body that just won’t quit. She’s wearing a short skirt that flaunts her little thighs and a top tight enough to see every curve of her torso. And she’s so hot that all the guys at her university won’t stop pestering her for a date. And she could have any guy she wants but all she wants is this small, soft, studious girl in her class. All day she fantasizes about taking the girl home, undressing her the moment they step in the door and making love to her in the shower for hours. And during class, she gets so worked up thinking about this sexual encounter that it has started to affect her school work. What should she do? This is probably what most of the calls will be like.
A California Court ruled Monday that bloggers and internet forum participants cannot be sued for posting defamatory comments. This decision is a major victory for internet free speech activists who feared that libel suits against web writers would stifle internet content. The ruling stated, “Subjecting internet service providers and users to defamation liability would tend to chill online speech.” Word. The case involved a woman who ran a breast implant newsgroup who posted a letter written by another man who defamed a doctor. The doctor then sued the woman for posting the letter. As of Monday, people defamed on the internet must go after the original source of the defamatory statement, not the person who posts the statement. At least in California. This means I am free to say whatever the hell I want about anyone as long as I don’t say it myself. So, I have to get a few things off my chest. My co-worker told me he had sex with Rudy Giuliani at a party back in the 70s. And my cousin said that she once saw Puff Daddy take a shit on the street. What a weight off my shoulders.
In a kabalistic occurrence Saturday, the Ohio State lottery Pick 4 game came up 4-2-3-9, the score of the Michigan-Ohio State game played in Columbus that same day. From the time the 42-39 game ended at 7:13 p.m. until the drawing at 7:45 p.m., 98% of all winners placed their bets. 898 lotto players won on Saturday taking a combined $2.2 million. 37 winning tickets were sold in a Columbus market. As a result, I am currently entering these numbers into my computer every 108 minutes. I miss you Mr. Eko.
In the U.S. Monday night, MTV made both rock and roll and Chinese history by airing the first American music video ever to be filmed in its entirety in mainland China. Rock band 30 Seconds to Mars filmed its video for “From Yesterday” over the summer in the Forbidden City in Beijing and the Emperor Qin palace in Xian. The band used over 300 extras in the video, as seen in the photo above, to create an ancient Chinese scene. The band’s front man, actor Jared Leto, said of the Chinese shoot, “The depth of their history, the beauty of the culture and the passion of the people inspired a story that left us as a band changed forever.” Currently, 30 Seconds to Mars is on an MTV2 $2 Bill tour which takes them to various U.S. theaters and radio stations. The band’s album, “A Beautiful Lie” which includes “From Yesterday” has not done very well despite incessant plugging on MTV. I think I know why this is. In researching for this article I visited the band’s website where if you click on virtually anything, this awful song comes on. I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off. If any essential facts are missing from this story, it’s because I was forced leave the band’s site. Nothing makes me run faster than emo.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this week’s main event is for the World Developing Nation Heavyweight Title. In the red corner, standing 5 feet 6 inches, weighing in at 153 pounds, hailing from Jiangsu, China…Hu “The Hammer” Jintao! And in the blue corner at 5 feet 10 inches, weighing 140 pounds, from Gah, West Punjab, India…Manmohan “The Hitman” Singh! No shots below the belt, stubbornness over a border dispute or jokes about one another’s English. ‘Cause you both talk weird. Let’s have a fair fight. Ding-ding-ding. China’s leader Hu Jintao arrived in Delhi on Monday to kick off a 4-day state visit to the Jewel in the Crown or, as non-British colonists say, India. The historic meeting between Hu and Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh represents the first trip to India by a Chinese head of state in over a decade and the first meeting since the two countries established the “strategic cooperative partnership of peace and prosperity.” China loves these beautiful yet meaningless names for diplomatic initiatives. The “harmonious society?” China and India, considered to be the most flourishing economies in the world, are in stiff competition to be the cheap labor capital of the world– China focusing on production and export, India focusing on IT, call centers and an ability to speak English. However, to keep with the boxing theme, India is getting pummeled by China in every category except software. Perhaps, India is employing a rope-a-dope strategy and is waiting for the right time to strike. India’s minister of state for commerce said Monday, “We are not in a race. They have already won the race.” He urged Indians to stop competing with the Chinese and start admiring them. Along with the usual talks of trade, joint technology ventures and nuclear weapons, two major issues will be discussed this week. The first is an ongoing dispute over a Buddhist border city called Tawang and the second is to iron out an agreement that will enhance and protect investment between the two countries. Will the meeting between Hu and Singh this week help to build a friendship between the two blossoming nations or are the two rivals having a pre-battle rendezvous a la DeNiro and Pacino in “Heat”? Either way, this 4-day meeting between China and India means one thing: Thomas Friedman, wherever he may be, plugging his book, will have a 4-day boner.