With only a week to go until the November 7 midterm elections and Democrats primed for a Congressional takeover, Senator John Kerry gave his party the setback it could not afford. In what was supposed to be a witty Bush joke, Kerry told a group of California college students, “You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.” God, that sounds bad. I sincerely believe Kerry’s explanation–that he meant to say, “You get us stuck in a war in Iraq.” It’s a reasonable explanation. But he didn’t say that. He said what he said and we can only hope voters don’t react to it at the polls. My question is this: Why do these guys feel it necessary to be making jokes at all? The reason you botched the joke, Kerry, is because you have no experience telling jokes. You’re a senator, not a stand-up comic. Leave the jokes to Jon Stewart or Letterman and shut the fuck up. At least until the elections are over. President Bush of course got as much mileage out of the Kerry blunder as humanly possible telling a group of troop-loving Georgians, “The members of the United States military are plenty smart, and they are plenty brave, and the senator from Massachusetts owes them an apology!” It’s pathetic that so many people still react to Bush’s melodramatic nonsense. Why can’t these guys, after losing a presidential election, just fade away gracefully?

• Washington Times: John Kerry Thinks
• Seattle P.I.: A Focused, Fighting Kerry

As a wise man once said, “the Chinese like anything that is not Chinese.” And while this is a sad commentary on the state of China’s self-esteem, I do find it to be quite true. Most popular restaurant: KFC. Coolest hangout: Starbucks. Most popular TV shows: Friends and Sex in the City. The Chinese, detached for so long from everything not Chinese, have a hunger to learn about the way the rest of the world does things. Mix that with a burning desire to dress up in silly costumes and China’s the perfect place to celebrate Halloween. As the China Daily reported Monday, this year’s Halloween promises to be the most widely celebrated October 31st yet. I went out on Saturday night, two nights before All Hallows Eve and I saw Chinese people dressed as witches, ghosts, pirates, slutty pirates, and even as traditional Chinese people. The e-card craze in China has helped contribute to the excitement surrounding Halloween this year. According to the China Daily, “This year the festival is being given a modern twist, as many young Chinese send e-Halloween cards and have online parties.” Chinese celebra…wait a second. Did they say “online parties?” How on earth do you celebrate Halloween at an online party? Like a bunch of Chinese people dressed up in a costume alone sitting on their computers at home? Anyway, Chinese celebrators will be forced to decide whether to adopt the Western-style Halloween costumes (witches, farmers, skanky farm girls) or use October 31st to dress up as traditional Chinese ghosts (really long tongues). China has its own ghost festival which takes place in the summer when supposedly the gates of hell open and ghosts come and plunder the human world. But in China’s version of Halloween there ain’t no candy, there ain’t no liquor and there ain’t no girls wearing black make-up, fish-net stockings and cute little devil horns. No wonder the Chinese latched on.

•China Daily: Terrifying Trend
•Underneath The Turban: The Story of Halloween

The Laowai Lexicon is a brand new Flumesday feature that explores the world of language from the perspective of a foreigner in China. Every so often I will introduce and define a word or phrase essential to the China expat experience. These could be Chinese words that have slipped into the English lexicon or English words that have become commonplace for expats and Chinese alike. As I will be writing about words used by foreigners in China, I will begin with the word that means foreigner in Chinese.

laowai [lou-wahy]
-noun
1. an informal Chinese word for foreigner: look at that laowai with the big nose.
2. a pejorative Chinese word for foreigner: let’s rip off the stupid laowai.
3. Chinese word for Caucasian: my English tutor is not a laowai, he is Kenyan
-adjective
4. of, pertaining to or suitable for a foreigner in China: let’s go to the laowai bar

Origin: Chinese [lao=old, wai=foreigner]

Commentary: In recent years the word “laowai” has began to stir up controversy within the expatriate community in China. In this way “laowai” is similar to how Americans view the Spanish word gringo and Westerners view the Japanese word gaijin or the Thai word farang. This is because many foreigners in China believe that “laowai” is a derogatory term. This is due to the fact that some Chinese frequently shout out “Laowai”! to foreigners passing by, which may then be followed up with laughter and taunting.
(Wikipedia)

•Shanghai Star: Laowai Is What You Make It (05/18/01)

All good things must come to an end. This time of year, it couldn’t be more true. The baseball season ends. The summer concert season concludes. And at the end of every October, the Olive Garden wraps up its never-ending pasta bowl deal. But this year, as suburbanites wave goodbye to their $7.95 all-inclusive fat festival, we will all bid a farewell to YouTube. At least YouTube as we know it. As the New York Times reported Monday, YouTube is purging all copyrighted material on the site. Thanks a lot Google. Google recently purchased the video clip website for $1.65 billion. YouTube became popular by offering free video clips of popular TV shows like “The Daily Show” and “Da Ali G Show.” According to the Times, now that the once profitless website is profiting, Comedy Central and other networks have demanded their clips be taken down. And rightfully so. Until Google got involved, there was something pure about YouTube– the whole world united in flouting copyright laws. And now, it’s all so “legal” and “corporate.” The way I see it, YouTube is on the same road to suckiness that Napster once traveled. First it was innovative, then awesome, then scrutinized and then outlawed. I don’t know what the future holds for YouTube. But I do hope that in 10 years when people say they are going to “Google” something, it will not mean they plan to ruin something that was once great.

•NYT: YouTube Is Purging

One thing I miss about living in America: rye bread. One thing I don’t miss at all: political ad season. It’s the worst time ever to be a T.V. junkie. At every commercial break you hear about how some candidate exposed unsafe nursing homes or voted against making school lunches more nutritious or in the case of U.S. Senate candidate Harold Ford, hanging out at a Playboy party. Every negative accusation in every ad is, by law, backed up with some tiny reference line at the bottom and always, the message ends with the mudslinger stating, “I’m Alan Dirtbag, and I approve this message.” Nowadays, politicians rely so heavily on pointing out the flaws of the opposition, they don’t even tout their own achievements. The aforementioned ad smearing Tennessee’s Harold Ford is an example of one of these ultra-negative ads. The commercial focuses on Ford’s visit to a Playboy-sponsored post-Super Bowl event in Jacksonville in 2005. A white woman in the commercial squeaks, “I met Harold at the Playboy party,” and later requests that Ford call her. Immediately, civil rights groups and commentators called the ad racist. They claimed the ad appeals to the South’s traditionally racist sensibilities, aims to associate Ford with biracial marriage and preys on a stereotyped fear of Black male sexuality. The NAACP called the ad “racially charged political propaganda.” As political television advertisements become more negative, I suppose with candidates of color, the line between what is defamatory and what is racist has become blurred. The Harold Ford ad surely is not the first commercial to heighten our racial sensitivity. Here are some more:

The Top 10 Most Racist Commercials

My Hungarian friends at www.ize.hu captured a Chinese dude showcasing a rare talent. Though not in English, this site is excellent, and if you go there, you will see that you don’t need to speak Hungarian to appreciate the site. As Flumesday is an international site, I think it’s interesting to visit these solid sites from around the world. Also, Ize.hu rocked last week’s Top 10. Enjoy.

•Ize: Photos of Chinese Man

U.S. House Majority leader John Boehner is fighting a stiff battle with fellow Republicans over the issue of Social Security. While after the Nov. 7 elections, President Bush plans to revive his plan to privatize Social Security, Boehner refuses to accept the Bush plan lying down. On ABC’s “This Week” Sunday, Boehner rigidly maintained that Americans do not comprehend the severity of the Social Security crisis. The Republican Boehner criticized the President’s desire to put a quick fix on a major problem. In 2017, the 71-year-old entitlement program will begin paying out more than it receives. Boehner’s hard stance on the privatization of Social Security suggests that with only partial support from the G.O.P., Bush will find it difficult implementing his Social Security objective. While there are other Republicans who do not support the President’s Social Security plan, Boehner has been especially on the ball about sticking it to Bush.

• Bloomberg: Social Security Hurdle

America has kind of become the big bad wolf of the summer Olympics. In 2004 in Athens the U.S. took home 102 medals outdoing 2nd place China by thirty-nine. Moreover, the Americans, while in Athens, were rumored to have received more luxurious accommodations and treatment than athletes from other countries. While the U.S. seems like the International Olympic Committee’s pet, the I.O.C. has never expressly demonstrated any favor or bias toward America. Until now. The I.O.C. announced Thursday that the two most popular Olympic sports, swimming and gymnastics, events that traditionally take place in the evening, would be moved to the early morning hours for the Beijing games. And I’m sure you’re thinking “this makes no sense, these events should be on at night.” And you’re right. But what you’re forgetting is that they will be on at night– in New York. The I.O.C. chose to schedule the events in the morning so that east coast American viewers will be able to see the swimming and gymnastics in primetime. Meanwhile, the Chinese and the Australians (who get all riled up over swimming) will be forced to get up early in the morning. The move came in response to pressure from the U.S. network NBC, who paid $3.5 billion for exclusive rights to the 5 Olympics between 2000 and 2008 and is, by far, the I.O.C.’s highest-paying partner. U.S. ratings in 2000 and 2004 suffered because of the time difference in Sydney and Athens. While the U.S. teams and of course NBC were very pleased with the arrangement, I think it’s pretty darn low. The U.S., despite how much it pays in broadcast rights, should not be able to dictate when the games take place. It shows a willingness on behalf of the I.O.C. to be bought and a complete lack of honor. The I.O.C. pretty much got down on its knees and sucked NBC’s peacock. Second, the decision shows a profound disrespect for China, who is hosting the games for the first time. Why should the athletes and spectators have to get up early to watch the events when it’s convenient for the Americans? If you’ve ever wondered to yourself why countries around the world hate America, it’s because of little things like this. The Olympics is no place for shrewd marketing deals; it’s a place for fairness and spirit and competition and drug scandals and chicks with bulging muscles.

•AP: Morning Call In Beijing

A New Jersey Court ruled Wednesday that homosexuals are entitled to the same marriage rights as the state’s heterosexual couples. While the Dirty Jerz’s State Supreme Court ruled 4-3 that barring homosexuals from marriage was unconstitutional, the judicial body, in its decision told state lawmakers, “Eh, youz guys decide if da unions will be legal marriages or just civil unions.” The lack of a definitive moral judgment left both gay activists and conservative groups saying, “Eh, what the fuck!” One Montclair lesbian said the decision gave her only 80% of what she had hoped for, but acknowledged that this clearly is more of a victory for gay rights. Depending on how lawmakers vote, Jersey could join Massachusetts as the only state with legalized gay marriage or follow Connecticut and Vermont as states allowing civil unions. Either way, New Jersey Republicans want to say “forget about it” to the prospect of gay marriage in the Garden State. Conservative lawmakers plan on enacting a constitutional amendment banning gay unions. Sadly, Vito Spatafore, a gay New Jerseyan who fled his home state and took up with a short-order chef/fireman called Johnny Cakes, did not live long enough to see Wednesday’s decision. Spatafore, as reported in a local Jersey newspaper, was brutally murdered last year by two mobsters who took exception to his lifestyle.

•Star-Ledger: Court Expands Gay Rights

Shanghai’s birth rate has been climbing steadily in the last few years. 131,000 Shanghainese babies were born this year, the most in the city’s history, and the government expects the rate to rise until 2015 when 160,000 babies will be born. Don’t ask me how they know this, I am merely reporting the facts. As with any baby boom, there is a growing demand for everything baby-related– day-care, strollers, cribs, baby clothes, car seats and breast massagers. Sorry to digress, but I just thought of something. You know it may seem that writing a website is glamorous or something, but really, it isn’t. Flumesday does not pay the bills. I know I’m venting now, but I just think it’s time for me to get a part-time job and do something different. Maybe gain a new skill. I’ve always dreamed of doing something in the pseudo-medical field. I don’t know, maybe breast massage is something I’d be interested in. And according to Thursday’s Shanghai Daily, Shanghai’s baby boom has created a “huge demand for nursemaids, especially those who are trained in breast massage.” And if there’s the demand, then I’ll be the supply. I can’t think of anything more satisfying than helping a new mother partake in the loving fluid exchange that is breastfeeding. The Daily describes the job as follows: “an experienced masseuse can spend hours massaging a new mother’s breast to prevent stiffness and stimulate the secretion of milk.” And this wouldn’t be like a charity thing. After I undergo instensive breast massage training from an expert breast masseuse, I would make some serious money. Reportedly, a certified breast masseuse gets paid 200 yuan ($25) to 600 yuan for one session, not a shabby fee in China. Well I know what you’re thinking. How long is one session? And I would answer by saying, “Who cares?” As long as it takes. Because, while the pay is good, it’s not about the money. It’s about doing something new, doing something that matters, and doing something that prevents breast stiffness and makes milk. Sign me up.

•Shanghai Daily: Breast Massage in Demand