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Top 10 Worst Ways to Come Out

10. As a Republican

Everyone loves a good G.O.P. gay sex scandal. The Republicans in America, whether deserved or not, have gained a reputation for not being so open toward the whole "gay thing". And really this is just the Bush faction of the Republicans--the fundamentalist Christian wing of the party. This week, Florida Congressman Mark Foley got busted having inappropriate sexual relationships with male interns, announced he had been molested by his priest and officially came out of the closet. That's one hell of a week. But what I'm interested in here, of course, is the coming out part. In Foley's case the official "coming out" was a bit after the fact as it followed the release of his cybersex transcript. Regardless, it's got to be tough coming out as a Republican. The homosexual community rejects you because, well, you're a Republican. And of course, the Republicans don't want anything to do with you because homosexuality is not Christian and they, for the most part, are. Imagine being a gay Republican shunned by the two groups that define you. It's like being caught between a cock and a hard place.

9. In a Film
If a gay pornographic video surfaces starring you and you're not gay, it might be a good time to come out of the closet. Though this is probably one of the worst ways. This is what happened to former Cleveland Indians pitcher Kazuhito Tadano. Everything but the coming out part. While in the minors in 2004, it came out that Tadano had appeared in a gay porn 3 years earlier when attending college in Japan. The hurler claimed he was broke and needed money at the time and called the tape "a one-time incident that showed bad judgment and will never be repeated." Tadano stressed to the American media that he is not gay. It is not confirmed whether on the video, Tadano was pitcher or catcher.

8. As a Heterosexual Sex Symbol

Everyone, straight or gay, has their own personal affinities for certain celebrities. It's always interesting when a traditional heterosexual sex symbol comes out of the closet. Does it change things for all of his or her heterosexual admirers? Did all those Ricky Martin fans denounce their crushes when steamy photos surfaced last year of the singer and another man on the beach? Did all the N'Sync lovers look elsewhere when hotty Lance Bass came out last month and said he was involved in a "stable relationship with another man"? I know I was a bit disappointed when Anne Heche came out as a member of the other team. And by disappointed, I mean aroused. In 1997, Heche jumped onto the lesbian scene as the gal pal of Ellen DeGeneres. The high-profile lesbian couple dated for 3 years and talked of a civil union. Like all good things, their relationship came to an end in 2000 at which point Heche claimed to have been psychologically unstable during the Ellen days. She has never labeled herself straight or gay and currently is married (to a man) with a 4-year-old son.

7. After You're Dead

Sadly, there was time in Hollywood when coming out of the closet meant getting swept under the rug. Robert Reed, the actor who played Mike Brady on The Brady Bunch, never fully stepped out of the closet until he died. Reed, like so many other male actors in the 60s and 70s, never publicized his sexuality for fear that he would not get any acting work. However, in 1992, when the actor died at the age of 59 from HIV-induced colorectal cancer, Reed's homosexual identity became known to the world. While news of an HIV-related illness is not tantamount to coming out (Magic Johnson), in Reed's case, he had engaged in numerous secretive homosexual relationships throughout his career. Coming out posthumously ranks as the #7 worst way because the outed cannot experience the catharsis in announcing to the world his true self. There's a story... of the man who played Brady...who took no interest in doing very lovely girls.

6. Blackmail

I suppose in a perfect world, those who wish to announce their sexual orientation to the world would do it on their own terms. But as I learned when Marky Mark stopped making music, the world isn't perfect. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey was blackmailed into coming out in 2004. A few years earlier, a closeted McGreevey appointed his secret Israeli boy toy, Golan Cipel, as New Jersey's national security advisor. Since 2000, the two men partook a sexual relationship which ended with Cipel's resignation in 2002. Two years later, Cipel attempted to extort $50 million dollars from McGreevey by threatening to file a sexual harassment suit in a New Jersey court. Facing national shame (and an inability to pay the fee), McGreevey came out and announced his resignation in the same speech. Blackmail is not the ideal way to admit anything, but in a way, it allowed McGreevey to come to grips with his reality and become a former governor who now is free to be fabulous.

5. Unintentionally

In January of this year, the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender group went into England schools to educate British youths about sexuality. Unbeknownst to me, the following month, February, was Alternative Sexuality History Month. LGBT put together a list of famous people who are either L, G, B or T to illustrate to students that being gay and famous are not mutually exclusive. Included on the list were Oscar Wilde, Tennessee Williams and Kevin Spacey. Just one problem. Kevin Spacey has never admitted to being gay. The LGBT group apologized profusely for its mistake. A friend of mine who is an actor told me years ago that Kevin Spacey is not only gay, he is "very gay". I don't know Mr. Spacey personally and would not presume to say he is anything but an amazing actor. But there are more gay rumors surrounding him than there'd be if Prince and Tom Cruise got a timeshare together on Fire Island. A 1997 Esquire magazine article hinted of Spacey's preference for men and then in 2004, Spacey refused to report a "mugging" when attacked in a London park at 4:30 in the morning. Whether Spacey is gay or straight, not that it matters, being outed in error is quite a bad way to come out.

4. In A Public Bathroom With Another Guy

Similar to Jaret Wright's pitching performance in the Yankees' final 2006 playoff game, what a horrible outing. George Michael came out following an April 7, 1998 arrest while prowling for gay sex in a Los Angeles public restroom. An undercover L.A. officer entered the public toilet and reportedly offered Michael the ol' "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." When Michael whipped it out expecting to slap some skins, the cop slapped him with handcuffs and an "engaging in a lewd act" criminal charge. Until then, Michael had always maintained a heterosexual persona dating high-profile models and dancers. But like other things that take place in a bathroom, this lady-loving image went down the tubes. Michael currently is rumored to have a drug problem and lives with his partner of 10 years, Kenny Goss, a former cheerleading coach.

3. As a Rapper

Hip-hop and homosexuality do not mix. Not only has the rap community made no attempt to accept homosexuals, it has actively denigrated them. Eminem, the best-selling rapper of the last decade, in his "Marshall Mathers LP", says the word "faggot" in 13 of the 18 tracks. And even rap's new golden child, Kanye West, describes actions as "homo" in his debut, "College Dropout". As WNBA star, Sheryl Swoopes, wrote in her coming out letter for ESPN (one of the best ways), "I know it (homosexuality) is not accepted in the black community." And hip-hop culture, an extension of the black community, doesn't either. Hip-hop has flourished by evoking the most macho of imagery within its music and movies. Themes of "gang-banging" and "fucking bitches" are quite prevalent in hip-hop art and quite frankly, if you're a homosexual male, you probably can't identify with "fucking bitches". But you can if you're a gay female rapper.

2. Caught With a Prostitute of the Same Sex

In May, 1997 a famous actor/comedian was stopped by police and ticketed for soliciting a transvestite prostitute. As someone who has been to Bangkok, I'll give anyone the benefit of the doubt who confuses a dude for a chick. It's hard to tell sometimes. But if you are already rumored to be gay and a torrent of accusations fly from other ladyboys who claim that you've had sex with them as well, you might be a homosexual. And you might not. And if that prostitute turns up dead within the year, it might further incriminate the actor/comedian who is terrified of the true story being revealed. Either way, this is a terrible way to leave the closet.

1. When Everyone Already Knows

And the #1 Worst Way to Come Out is when everyone already knows. Imagine it. Waiting all those years. Scripting every word in your head perfectly. And then it's, "Mom, Dad...there's something I need to tell you." And Mom and Dad exchange glances because they've been waiting for this. And then you sit them down and before you're able to utter one word, Dad goes, "We know, you're gay. We've known for years. Not a shocker. We still love you." There's is no worse way to come out than if it shocks nobody. The closet-dweller wants to challenge perception, to make jaws drop, to hear "I had no idea!" If you wait too long it's like a magician who spends 30 minutes doing a trick to which the entire audience knows the secret. The audience is not surprised at the end of the trick and the magician spent a whole lot of time thinking he was fooling people. It's plain old awkward for everyone involved. So while I acknowledge that coming out is a brave decision, maybe the bravest for anyone who has to make it, if everyone already knows you've waited too long.

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